I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
