Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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