he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dicks are not precious.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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