Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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