so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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