i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
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