I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
