so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You're like the curious george of whores
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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