So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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