Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
