How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
