cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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