Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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