I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
