We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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