So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dear god my vagina.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize