We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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