did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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