Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
