i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
