Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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