seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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