you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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