my phone needs a breathalizer
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
