I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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