Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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