i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
