Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
