My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
