my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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