Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
