Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
