Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
