I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
