It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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