I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
