I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
