I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
