Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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