So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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