Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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