you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
