I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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