i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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