so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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