I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
