I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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