dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
