I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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