my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize