the new term for farting is butt boxing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
