Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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