Taylor Swift is so right about you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
