I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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