it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
