i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
