I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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