I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
