I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
