Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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