is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize