Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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