i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We smell like vodka and hangover
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