Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
