I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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