do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
